Rounding out the Star Wars rip-off cycle is the second porn parody, Sex Wars in which the verbose Brinker Duo (Paul Thomas) and his slightly seen sidekick Mark Starkiller (Richard Pacheco)—two down-on-their-luck losers who can’t afford to pay for intergalactic nookie—come across Princess Layme (Robin Cannes), who tries to hire them to help find her sister, Princess Orgasmo. This quest would take them into the Tyros (in the region of Lesbos)—a veritable “Bermuda Triangle” of space, as the Orson Wellesian narrator informs us. Being chickenshit, our heroes decline the offer until Princess Layme boozes, screws, and shanghais the pair.
The merry band’s ship is drawn to a planet courtesy of a tractor beam and some cheap model effects. Once landed, they find themselves the prisoners of Lord Balthazar (Howard Darkley), a limbless, gold-skinned pervert who controls the minds, and bodies, of everyone he’s captured. In a display of his power, we see a hapless spaceship commander (Billy Dee) being molested by three vixens and Princess Orgasmo. The scene is narrated by a breathy female computer voice that, at one point, chants, “You are required to concentrate on elongation” without cessation.
After a run-in with a couple of Asian gals in whiteface, Brinker and his cronies devise a plan to overthrow their captor. The plan seems to consist of Princess Layme and Princess Orgasmo making hot monkey love in front of the practically drooling Balthazar while Brinker and Mark search for the source of Balthazar’s power. Even this version of Star Wars isn’t free of incestuous themes.
Other parallels between Sex Wars and Star Wars include a flatulent robot named 4Q (a joke name recycled from Hardware Wars) and an over-extended pair of cantina sequences filled with lots of “weird” creatures. However, the film’s narrative shares more elements with the old “Star Trek” episode, “The Return of the Archons,” than Star Wars.
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